oath of a dream: It's story time!

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oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Sun May 31, 2009 12:11 am

Wrote this somewhere else. I'll update accordingly.

Recently, a friend asked me: "What if you were dreaming, and you told a girl who fell in love with you to remember her and be faithful, for you and her will meet again. So, you wake up and she's next to you, what will you do, will you honor your promise?"

Well, I said yes, and some ramblings about how my word is my bond etc. etc. well, I've decided to write a story about it.

I will switch between 1st and 3rd person according to the scene, I will break these up with - between the paragraphs

The Oath of a Dream Ch. 1.

My name was Kevin, I was thirteen, and reality had not set in yet. I had just come into my own with what I was sure was the beginning of a mustache and an accompanying beard, dad said I was still too young, but still, that was my pride.

I was a quiet boy then, no one really paid attention to me outside the family, but, I was like that then. I didn't need attention like the trouble-makers or the perfectionists. I was 100% unique, from my yet-filled out beard to my comfortable Polo slacks, if anything at all, I was sure of that. I liked video games, ones with long stories and heroes and dragons, books of the same nature would more than do in a pinch too.

I also took pride in the fact that my father trusted me, and told me that I am my own man, and to never let anyone try to make me a servant outside of my own will. I still believe in that. Mom was like that too, she would hug me when I was trying not to cry and sooth me. I suppose I learned that that was the best way to comfort someone, let them say what they wanted to say, then hug them. It's worked.

I also developed what I called "the paunch" and a healthy diet but lack of exercise kept me at a comfortable size. I was never out-going and I never sought things I knew I wouldn't obtain, like a princess-bride or knighthood, though, I would have absolutely loved to have such fantastic paraphernalia, I was perfectly content without them. That was who I am.

Just before my fourteenth birthday, I began to really learn.

I fell asleep, with a book of fairy tales plastered to my skull, and dreamed that I was falling, and that it was okay. It was strange, I was surrounded by a wonderful light, it felt like my mother's arms and warmth. I smiled as I fell everything would be alright, this dream was worth it.
-
Chapter 2

Princess Alexandra was called Lady Princess by her adoring subjects. She was kind and loving, she gave to poor people and often played with villagers. The subjects of the kingdom loved her dearly. Her father was the puppet-regent of a large area west of the Silver Mountains, as the snow was dirty, and it shone like silver at sunset, providing a feeling of contentment to those who looked on them.

The king, Julian, was also kind and strong. He often helped people with their problems and was known as a just and righteous judge, found of newcomers and found of entertainment. He too, like his daughter, was loved by his subjects, however, he had a son.

The son, Royal, was called Anaconda, and he dressed all in green. He was not kind like the princess, nor just like the king. He was strong though, hideously strong, and able to rally anyone he wanted to follow him unconditionally, if they were weak at heart. But if two good things could be said about him, he did not kill without a cause, and he had no love of money.

The Princess was, as she often did, driving about the kingdom in her coach, guarded by her 'rabid,' as the prank-loving boys called him, manservant. She listened to old women, chatted with men and played with young children. She was feeling tired and wanted to go home when a bright light crashed into the forest, right next to the road that passed through.

"Come on then I've got to see what that was!" She called to her manservant, who nodded. "Thank you for letting me play with Jeffry, and I hope the Wise-Woman can cure Jessica!" She called this to the house-wife, Jessica, (whose husband had run to see what had fallen) and Jessica bowed.

"Your are welcome, Lady Princess! Please be careful!"

Alexandra waved her hand and the carriage rattled off. The manservant, Ted, constantly watching out for anything hostile. The woods here were not lawless, but there were still animals that could pose a threat to a thirteen year-old girl. They arrived at the scene. It was a boy, in unfamiliar clothes with a peaceful expression. The husband of Jessica, a stalwart man by the name of Jonathan, was holding his staff defensively, afraid in case the boy was alien and dangerous, yet the father in him wanted dearly to help him.

Ted nodded to him, and the two moved in on the boy, who was beginning to stir. Jonathan prodded him, and Kevin was hit by wakefulness faster than he could attempt saying farfigneuton. Seeing two rather well-built men hovering over him caused him to shy away.

The poorer looking man looked to the larger man and received a nod. "Hey? You okay?" He nodded, it was very strange, his sudden appearance "Can you speak?" The farmer asked.

"Yeeh... (gulp) yes." The two men walked off, talking, then the farmer turned toward the end of the forest, on look out.

"Would you please come with me? We need explanations, and, well, this isn't the time or place for them. The King will need to talk to you. Alright, don't worry, neither I nor the princess bite." He smiled, but it didn't quite look right, his face was not built for smiling.

-
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Mon Jun 01, 2009 6:14 pm

Update time!

Chapter 3

I got in the carriage, I was positioned so that I couldn't be seen by anyone below or above the carriage. The rather disconcerting body-guard, for I had discovered his purpose by how he spoke to the princess, sat in front of me. The princess was next to him, not uncomfortable at all being close to him.

The body-guard and the farmer exchanged some words before parting. I don't remember what they were, but he told the farmer that there would be rewards if he kept silent about what had happened.

I remember being nervous, very nervous; I thought this might be something like a kidnapping. But the princess, whom I bowed to before entering the carriage, sensed my distress and the pretty creature smiled in my direction, comforting me. I admit that I had almost already fell in love with her.

But I pulled myself together and I thanked her, on reflex.

"Oh, that's not necessary," She said, in a voice that I associated most often with people that would not hurt me. "I think you're pretty cute! Oh! you're looking at Ted! Don't worry, he only bites to protect me... I do hope that lord father will let me play with him." The body-guard, Ted, nodded.

"I'm sure he will if the boy is not dangerous. You, what is your name, where do you come from?" Ted looked over to me and raised an eye-brow so that the Princess could not

"I... I come from America... I go by Kevin..." I mumbled, I was horrendously awkward-feeling and I could barely keep from shaking.

"Kevin is not a bad name, but where is America?"

"It's somewhere, uh, um..." I stuttered as I attempted to discover what it would be in this world. I had figured out that this place was a completely new world to me.

"Oh, let Kevin (giggle) be! He's obviously has been through a lot, after crashing like that. How about I tell you a little about where we are! We live in Harro, my father is king, but he serves someone that controls everything! I have an icky brother named Royal, but everyone calls him Anaconda because he dresses in green. And I am Princess Alexandra Jopp!" She smiled at me, I could give no reply, my tongue was tied.

I guess I had passed out because I arrived at the castle as quick as blinking. The man whom I assumed was king was directing a servant as he hung a flag, bearing an unfamiliar code of arms. Decorations were everywhere, obviously, a big event was being prepared.

"Lord father is hosting a grand ball for my fourteenth birthday! It's going to be in one week so you had better come!" She called as she waited for me to be let out of the carriage. She then launched herself as a giant hug into the king, who took it without flinching. "Lord father! Look! he fell from the sky! His name's Kevin!" She then went into overdrive, while the king listened to it all.

He looked at me, sizing me up and after a few minutes he whispered to the afore-mentioned servant, who escorted me into a sparse, but comfortable bedroom, the king and Princess Alexandra followed.

The servant then brought in new clothes. "I hope you don't mind, but the king has instructed that we do away with your clothes, and burn them. He said that you don't look like you have a disease, but we have to be careful." I groaned, I knew many, many baths and scrubbings were to follow this, and I didn't look for it.
-
Alexandra dashed around inspecting the courtyard decorated in clothe, she poked, prodded and adjusted as Ted followed her around, in case she should prick herself. Her father had gone to attend to Kevin, and every now and then she asked Ted if she could see him, will he be able to dance at the ball and so on and so on.

Thankfully for her fit, but now fatigued guard, she mellowed and began to read her book. The villagers had given the finest of calf and sheep stomachs for the pages, and the leather was embossed with gold. It was illuminated by the personal scribe of the Over-King, who was great friends with her father, and had the most wonderful stories in it. Elves and dwarves populated the world, and giants fought with men, swords and shields were taken everywhere, and heroes fought epically with scary fiends. It was an early gift from everyone, even her brother had given a jeweled silver bookmark to mark her place.

However lovely it was, she loved people more, and that boy just left her too distracted to really enjoy it. Why are new people so interestingly mysterious?

Chapter 4 (starting in the first person)

It felt weird, living, eating and hurting in a dream. I cannot call it surreal, because it felt more real than my home ever did, but it was not normal. I was kept in confinement for three days, since I didn't die of anything, nor did I show any sickness I was freed and allowed to roam as I pleased, well, as the Princess pleased.

She seemed very intrigued by me, wanting to know about my world with its strong fabrics and nearly wasteful use of new metal and glass. I told her that resources abounded, and that the poorest in my country were able to eat, if they would work. And so on, until I had told her just about everything I could think of, then I asked her questions.

"My world? Or rather this world? Well, Lord Father is one of the Over-king's trusted friends, he often comes over or sends gifts. He is a nice man and he told me to call him Uncle. But I don't like his son, he's mean! He kills puppies and birds and all the things I like. And he wanted to have my father marry me to him.

"He said no, but unfortunately, he's the only one of similar age and rank in the entire area that speaks the same language. He is wicked, and everyone agrees that he should not be king. But we can't tell him that, he'd kill us. He tried to kill me for telling him that..."

I felt a pang of sadness, what was normally a bright and happy person was severely depressed by the evil in the world. After seeing that face I made a promise in my heart to be more pure in word and action, I did not want to cause her pain.

She perked up later and we both went out into the country side with the bodyguard, who still sat across from me. However, I was allowed to sit on the same side as the Princess. We had a wonderful time with the villagers; they dropped vague hints and joked with us, I couldn't help but wonder, did they think I was her fiance? Heaven forbid, but still, she was nice enough... I sometimes couldn't believe some of the things that popped into my head at that time.

I kept one main thought throughout that first week there, it was still all a dream. But, I lost that train of thought that Saturday, during the Princess's birthday, as I danced with her, I decided to bring this world into my reality. What felt real, what I felt as I lived there, felt very, very real.
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Mon Jun 01, 2009 6:14 pm

Please! Tell me what you think of it!
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby jioan » Fri Jun 05, 2009 4:19 pm

I haven't actually finished reading, but it's a very interesting concept.

I would probably keep my oath beacuse if she's the girl of my dreams then why shouldn't I love her? She'd be perfect because that would be the way I dreamt her.
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Fri Jun 05, 2009 5:41 pm

- Chapter 5
The Over-king's son visited soon after, with another proposition, of marriage to Princess Alexandra. He arrived with his guard, five large men, whose sole purpose was to do as he wished, and they were cruel men who enjoyed their job.

He marched up into the throne room as the first of the complaints against him reached the ears of the King.

"He nearly ran over my son! And my son was bowing on the sidewalk!"

"He had me beaten for note bowing low enough, I was bowing as low as I could!"

"He had my dog killed for barking at him!" And so on, until the king finally had enough of it and sent them away. He was not powerless, but he had to follow protocol.

"What do you want, not that you haven't caused enough trouble already..."

The Over-King's son, Julian II, was not put off by the king's open hostility. He smirked at him, as if he were insignificant compared to his own greatness.

"It behooves me to declare that the proletariat are quite egregious." He began, looking at the marks the peasants had made. "And that, similarly, your felicitous and aesthetically pleasing scion appreciates their fraternization, not to mention, the stripling." He had bent down and had rubbed his finger through the dirt, and felt it.

The king did not appreciate the fact that that one person had called his precious daughter "Aesthetically pleasing" or the boy that she had actually taken an interest in was a "stripling." There were rules of etiquette to follow for land's sakes!

"I would have you converse with me more politely, young one, lest I forget my tongue and my oath to your father in my anger. I can always beg forgiveness. What is your desire, then? Not that I'll grant it."

"Heh." Was all he said for a while, smiling. "You comprehend? I have designs on your daughter!" He laughed, this was nothing new.

The King had an answer before he had finished laughing. "I would rather die or kill her than let you touch another hair on her head!"

"Now, now, protestations like that will effect naught." He turned and saw Alexandra and Kevin walk in. Alexandra was holding Kevin's hand, and he was feeling uncomfortable. "And she arrives! Do give us a hug!" He opened his arms, she walked right past him and faced her father.

"Dearest daughter, please, leave! You remember who he is!" He motioned for Ted to take her to her room, but she resisted.

"Lord Father, someone has killed the puppy the subjects gave me for my birthday!" She began to cry, she had cried earlier; it was a cute puppy.

Julian smiled a cunning smile and began to walk up to her while her father was distracted with comforting her, Kevin had been pushed behind Ted as he had tried to reach her before her break down. He hugged from behind, placing his head against her hair. "Now, now, it'll be passable."

As soon as she realized that it was the prince who was touching her, screamed and fought her way out of his embrace, trying to scratch him. He was strong though, and he began to pull her away with him. "I have my accolade!" He called, his bodyguards moved to assist him.

Anaconda, who was watching from the shadows, moved in quickly. He did not want to become king, but he did love his family secretly. He drew his sword and held it between the bodyguards and Julian. "Take one step forward, and I will not hesitate to kill you, and you won't be the first people's blood I spill." His fierce glare failed to deter them, and he stabbed the first, and the rest backed off.

Julian glared around him, then took out a dagger. The king was quick and knocked it out of his hands and ripped him from his daughter in a surprising display of strength. She flew into Kevin, who had maneuvered himself in front of her. He then collapsed under her, knocking himself out on the stone step leading up to the throne. She had fallen senseless herself, but was unharmed.

"Take him to the dungeon. I will send a runner to inform the Over-king about what has happened. Son! Go!" Anaconda nodded and stalked off, using his eyes to dare the remaining guards to challenge him.

The king and bodyguard Ted picked the two up and carried them away, hoping that they were not badly hurt. "Ted, you're getting too old, you protected me, my son, and my daughter. I'm going to have to ask you to train a replacement, sorry." Ted nodded, he had been feeling old too, he had lost his hair a long time ago.

Besides, the boy had tried to protect her, and, if he was willing, he would make a fine candidate.

Chapter 6 (first-person)

I supposed time passed, it was kind of strange though, like I had matured in the space of an hour with all the memories of four years of living and growing. And I know I fell in love with the princess, looking back on it, but then it was kind of rare for me to talk about my feelings. I had never loved anyone outside of my family before, and the thought of falling in love in a dream scared me.

My mom and dad had been VERY thorough about what love should be and how to go about it. They, apparently, had known each other practically their entire lives, and it came to no surprise to the families when they started to date and then got married. But this was a darned dream! I was in my bed, snoring away, with my sister in the room across the hall and my parents on a summer vacation cruise thanks to the church's Bingo grand prize.

I was falling in love with a dream! I kept telling myself that, but in the end, I forgot. I wanted to forget, I suppose, I wanted to keep living in this world that had so many new things, and I had only ever been to one area of it, and a very pleasant area it was. Trees lined streets, houses had attractive flowers, magnolias bloomed, even the farms were planned to be aesthetically pleasing.

The only thing unpleasant was the massive training that I was put through by Ted and the King. I learned martial arts, sword-play, philosophy and some languages. That took up at least three years worth of my time there, I never knew that dreams could make you stronger, but, they did. So, I began to arrive at my eighteenth birthday. Where, according to tradition, a guy would say what girl he would like to marry (even if he couldn't) then, if the girl said yes, they would get married that same day.

Personally, I didn't want to get married in a dream, but I thought, its only a dream, whats the worst that could happen? Well, the worst did happen, the Over-king died, very conveniently for his son, as the will had been lost and he was the only legitimate heir. And he was nineteen. There was only one girl that he would want to marry, and she was certainly not interested in him. The only acknowledgment of his existence was the same one gives to an insect that one hates.

He wasn't too pleased by that and swore revenge, obviously. Meanwhile, both the King and Anaconda both dropped broad and subtle hints who I should marry. And one doesn't say no to Anaconda when he asks you for something in a dark alley.

The very day before my birthday, the day the Over-king's period of mourning had finished, the new Over-King, Julian II gathered an army to attack us.
--------------------------

Thank you for your words! They give me strength!
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:49 pm

The plot thickens!!!

Chapter 7-

The attack came not expectantly, and on the very day of Kevin's eighteenth birthday, around noon, they arrived at the castle and began to siege it. The king refused to let his daughter be taken by such an evil man, and both he and his son swore terrible oaths that they would die before that ever happened.

The Over-king took them up on that request. The attack went on throughout the night, but Kevin was not fated to see it's end.

Kevin laid with his back toward the battlements. He had fought soldiers all day. This was just like his old video-games. A group of heroes against insurmountable odds. He hated it, it's alright when it doesn't actually include your life.

The king sat down next to him. "You're eighteen aren't you?"

"I suppose so, I can't remember, battle has kind of drained my mental resources."

"You know, you haven't said who you wanted to marry yet. It means a clean bed and a good nights rest..." He grinned, expecting an answer.

"Your daughter, now, let me sleep..." He was beginning to sleep when the King roughly grabbed him and dragged him away, the stairs hurt. Arriving on the ground floor suitably awakened, he was met by Anaconda and Alexandra. Anaconda shook his hand and Alexandra hugged him.

"I suppose you were hoping I'd pick you." He felt, in the back of his head, he was beginning to awaken, but when? "Your father mentioned somewhere I could sleep..."

"Now now..." The King reminded, he obviously had something to do first that included me. "I pronounce you Duke of the castle, I knight you, and make you head of my household staff, in name only. I think that raises your status considerably. I, as King, join you two together in holy matrimony. Do either of you two disagree?"

They shook our heads. Kevin was thinking of sleeping in his armor, just so he could get a few extra minutes. "Good, you're husband and wife, now, get out of here before they begin bombarding us again!" He ushered them out towards the keep.

Anaconda stood there for a moment, then turned his back to his father and turned his head sideways. "Even me, who's pretty sacrilegious, found that rushed, can you really marry them like that?" The king shook his head.

"I can, but, I can't stop the new Over-king. We'll all die here." He sighed and looked at the sky that overhung the area that he once ruled. "Maybe, just maybe they'll find happiness as the end comes."

"That's insane logic, the only thing that guy is considering is whether it's comfortable to sleep in his armor or not." Anaconda retorted, and began to walk away. He had chosen a girl who he knew would deny him. He hadn't found anyone worthy of his affection yet.

"You just don't get it, my son, it's not what the guy thinks, it's what he gets out of it. And what my baby daughter wants."

"A 17-year old girl who actually has made up her mind... astounding." Anaconda started to mount the stair-way to the battlements. The noises outside the castle indicated that they were aiming their siege weapons. The walls had barely held up in the first place. Anaconda knew they wouldn't survive a second attack for long.

"A pity you were never happy in life, my son. I just hope you find a reason." The king said sadly. His son had needed a reason for everything. But he was not curious, leading to a bitter, resentful person who was only content when walking his own path.

He then walked into his castle, waiting for someone to ask him something, anything, to get his mind off the fate of his children.

Chapter 8-

We began talking as I was half-supported to the room. I don't remember all of it because I was so tired, but I remember her talking about something very strange. "I wonder, is this all someone's dream or story. Like the ones in the book I had you read to me. With the damsel and the knight, dragons and all kinds of things."

I nodded, I remembered. I also remembered having to play the knight, while fighting with some poor servant for her entertainment, it was fun. Sometimes, the servant won. She continued. "And if it is a dream, will you promise me one thing?"

I roused myself with a start. As much as I liked her, I was still feeling the vague uneasiness that one feels when something big is coming. "I'd do anything for you." I said, I don't think I sounded convincing.

"Thank you. I want you, when, if I mean, we part, I want you to love me, and to be with me." She said in a choppy, but direct manner.

"I promise that, but I warn you, I love you, but, I don't think we can be together for much longer." I replied, I looked her in the eye. I saw the hope in her eye and felt guilty, I was promising the impossible to a dream...

We both arrived fairly tired, from battle or helping me move about. I began to shuck my layers of armor in preparation of sleep. Which was about the only thing on my mind, I suppose. I also had a brief moment of a Alexandra faced fluffy teddy bear, but that was asking a bit much pf my dream.

"So, uh, what are you planning." She hesitantly asked.

"Sleep. Sleep, maybe some more sleep." I replied drearily, she looked hopeful as I walked towards the comfy looking bed. I was beginning to feel a breeze, but there was no window, and the door was certainly closed. I did remember that there was an open window in my room, back where I was thirteen.

"Okay!" She replied cheerily, she looked tired too, I don't know exactly what she did, but it had involved a lot of running around, helping put out fires perhaps? She had a little soot on her dress... I then collapsed on the bed, not bothering to remove my sword. "Goodnight my love." I heard, and I felt sleep beginning to both cut into my senses and leave my body when I felt a jolt and heard a scream.

We both were flying out of the room and into open space. A large catapult shot, aimed wrong, had torn the side out of the castle, leaving a big gaping hole where the floor had been. We plunged down toward the ground. On instinct, I grabbed my sword and rammed it into the wall, finding purchase, it held.

"This will sound clichéd in my world, but, I love you!" I said, as I held her tight to me with my free arm. I suddenly began to feel pressure from my neck down, and I had the feeling of being in two positions at once. A large ball of flame was rising toward them, coming from the Over-king's forces.

"I really believe you, and I love you too. Please, I know we're about to die, but, remember your promise!" She said, almost too quietly to hear. Her eyes were riveted to that ball of death that was coming toward us. I turned her a little, so that the last thing she would see wasn't about to kill us.

I felt jerked out of that reality and found myself back in my bed, with warm bedsheets, no sword in my hand and Alexandra beside me. It took me a moment to figure everything out. But, I guess I screamed a little and made my sister come in. Well, Alexandra was a surprise, and I had some explaining to do.
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Sat Jun 13, 2009 11:39 pm

come on guys, lets have more than one comment other than mine!
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Sat Jun 20, 2009 2:25 pm

Part 2

Chapter 9 (third person)

Kevin's sister, Joanna, had woken up early. Her parents had gone on a cruise after winning the tickets in a high-stakes bingo game. Three months of no-parents, and three months of looking after her kid brother. Not that she hated the little booger or anything, it was just the practiced resentment of older siblings with much younger kin.

She considered herself lucky, her job at the museum had been postponed, renovations had made her redundant until they were over, three months of heaven for the twenty-one year old college student.

She had just finished her cereal, when she heard two screams. She, thinking that Kevin was in trouble, ran in, to find her kid brother in the same bed as a girl his age in a slightly opaque night-gown of an archaic origin. Well, this was certainly a surprise for her, and she was supposed to be the responsible one.

Thinking quickly, she grabbed the girl, who had been holding Kevin as he cried, and tossed her unceremoniously into her room.

"I don't care who you are, but I'll..." She slowed as she saw that the girl had been crying too, silently, but it was most definitely weeping. "Listen, I don't know what's happened, but I need you to calm down. I'm going to speak with my brother. And you had better be able to explain yourself as soon as I am finished with him." She slammed the door and slumped against it. This was something she wasn't prepared for, her nearly fourteen year old brother was already a playboy...

She walked into the room. Kevin was just sitting there with a blank expression on his face, she noted that he looked like the people in that war movie, they were facing death and did it without flinching. How appropriate.

"Soooo... Going to explain yourself." She started casually.

"No."

"WHAT!? There's a girl wearing a complete yet transparent nightgown crying in my room... and you have no explanation?"

"That's right, and the reason she's in her room is because you tossed her in there none to gently." The tone of voice he had surprised Joanna, it was somehow mature, as if he had just learned an amazing truth.

"That won't cut it." She retorted, crossing her arms across her chest. "Dad and mom are calling in exactly one hour as they usually do, and I do not want to have to mention this to them!"

"Just don't mention it. Calm down, and prepare yourself for the unbelievable." He got off the bed and walked with none of the awkwardness of a thirteen year-old. Very purposefully, he walked past her and opened the door to her room. The girl ran into him and grasped him in a hug. "Her name is Princess Alexandra. And I married her in a dream." He said in a serious, mature voice.

His sister just stood there looking at them. Then, she found her tongue, reaching over, she grabbed his ear and then Alexandra's ear and pulled them apart. "Okay then... Kitchen! March!" She walked between them. She alternatively watched both of them as they walked. The girl... Alexandra... was still crying, and Kevin was looking ahead, walking automatically.

She sat them both on the stools on the island in the kitchen. She looked over to the girl first. "Hungry?" She nodded. Joanna made some toast and poured some grape juice as she watched Alexandra eat hungrily.

"Okay, now, tell me your story. Alexandra first."

Alexandra swallowed, then told her story. "I don't believe it, Kevin? What is YOUR story?" And Kevin told the same story from his perspective.

Joanna sighed, majoring in Math didn't help her at all, she was beginning to wish she knew more psychology. "Okay, you expect me to believe that you fell asleep, married the girl in your dream, and woke up with her next to you?"

"Yes. Except it's more complicated than that." Her stoic brother replied. "I spent what felt like four years there. I fell in love with her, in my dream, and I married her, and she and I died in each other's arms, or so it appeared, there."

The phone rang. Joanna walked over. "I will not explain this to mom and dad, so shut the hell up and stay that way. Not a single peep out of either of you." She couldn't help but notice that they moved their chairs closer together and that the Alexandra girl buried her head in his shoulder.

Chapter 10

I sat in the kitchen, Alexandra sobbing into my shoulder, it must be hard, I had turned her away from the catapult's ball of death, but what had she seen? Her brother and father, the remainder of her family except for me, falling in a heroic, but futile, last stand? Or, was there some horror that I was unaware of that I could not see?

I felt sorry for her, but I just could FEEL it, I had awakened, and all was well. It was that simple. I can't bear it, I can't help her. I can only be there. I can't bear that pain. I didn't suffer in the end, but I did gain from it. I could feel strength in my hands and skills in my brain that I had learned in those four years and two weeks.

I wish, above all things, that I had not screamed, and my sister had not been there, worrying about me. Alexandra felt wet, tears had soaked her being and her clothing. I wish I could have taken all that pain out of her heart and placed it inside a fire.

My sister was still talking on the phone.

"Well, it's not so bad, Kevin has just woken up, but I'm afraid he is preoccupied. No no! Nothing bad, just showing interests, that all. Oh, things like actual cleanliness, and self-restraint." She looked meaningfully at me, and I glared back, this was the wrong time for a sibling rivalry. "I'm glad you're having fun, but I have to go, breakfast will burn soon. Well! I hope you're having fun! Bye!!" She said in a cheery voice, as she hung up the phone.

I pushed Alexandra gently away from me. "I wish you wouldn't make pointed remarks."

Joanna turned, facing me, her face completely without restraint, obviously she was struggling with resentment. "Oh... I'm sorry that I haven't a boyfriend who's obviously distressed. Oh, and I'm sorry that I can't comprehend the situation. Are you on crack? Are you snorting or sniffing or something new, Mojo? Is it that Mojo I hear about? Maybe SHE got you addicted to it!"

She stood there panting, then, she turned to Alexandra. I was still numb, I felt useless. "And YOU! What's wrong with you, your parents aren't dead! I refuse to believe that you two got married! I refuse it! It's not that I don't like you, I think we could be friends. What are you? You have a small crown, and a very fine silken sleeping gown. Completely inappropriate for someone of your age, half transparent and all!" She stopped her rant and sat down. Apparently, she had lifted a great load off her chest with that harangue. "Alright, lets get you into some proper clothes. YOU can stay here, little brother."

And she walked off with Alexandra. I stayed where I was. It hurt not to be believed, and I'm sure Alexandra wasn't about to stop crying.

Chapter 11 (third person)

One hour later.

The two had disappeared, Joanna had no idea where they had gone. She had heard their story twice, and it did not vary in any way. She was a complete loss. It was the beginning of summer, she shouldn't be toiling over this one problem for so long!

She sat on her bed and leaned her back against the cold wall. She had the phone in her hands. She knew that the decision she would make now would decide the tone for the next two months. They were attracted to each other, she could not discount that, and that girl, Alexandra, constantly went to him, not to some item, or herself, for support.

She had a friend, Greg Walker, a psychology major and a minor in Computer engineering. He was surprisingly knowledgeable about decisions, his goal was to create A.i.s for computer games, the more advanced the better.

"Moshi Moshi?" Came the expected reply, Greg was a strange one, thought that sounded cooler than "hello."

"Hey, it's me, Joanna." She spoke into the phone. He had woken up an hour earlier, and it sounded like he was playing on his computer.

"Yo, how are you, sound horrible, hangover?"

"Hell no, its my little brother. He's got me in a hell-uv-a hole."

"Man," Came the good natured jab, "you know Joanna's in a bind when she uses her signature 'hell' a lot. What's the little son of a gun been doing?"

"He's got a girl..." She started.

"Gratz."

"NO! Shut the hell up! Its not like that! She wasn't there when I checked up on him last night and I arrive to them both screaming in the same bed! Fully clothed, at least, though I don't recognize the brand of night gown she was using."

"Man, that's a doozy. You want me to talk to 'im or something?" He was being serious there, Joanna was known for having 'morals' she didn't allow certain boundaries to be crossed. She claimed that they were the reason she wouldn't go out with him, but he had serious doubts about that.

"No, just advise me on what to do."

He was silent a moment, a very loud, blood-curdling scream came from his computer. "That's better, that guy was bothering me, anyway, you're not telling me everything."

"BLOODY HELL!!! I don't give a hell flame! Hell's teeth! I think I'm crazy enough as it is without other people knowing that too..." She sighed, a very long sigh, into the phone.

Greg apparently took the queue. "Listen, I can't help if I don't know everything."

She calmed down. "The girl seems to be a princess, she had a small gold crown. A magical kingdom princess or something like that, I don't know! Anyway, they got themselves married and... Hell, its so darned confusing."

Greg took this in, he could make cracks later, his courses had had a very specific chapter on insanity, and the verge of it. "Okay then, let us take one step back..." He continued on, with breaks for Joanna to think through and either agree or disagree. "... It comes down to this, if your brother lies, which I don't think he does, then why in the world would he lie if the girl was apparently a surprise to him. And the girl, why would she be crying if they obviously didn't do anything, and she was on the bed of her own volition? If she is unharmed except for some cuts obviously made by shrapnel, how did your brother do it?" He waited for any response before continuing. "If all evidence points to one answer, no matter how improbable, its prolly that answer. That was a mis-quote of Sherlock Holmes but it still applies. Now, did that help?"

"Yes, thank you, I am grateful." She said into the phone.

"Grateful enough to go out with me?" Greg asked somewhat hopefully. She laughed, was this a hopeful sign?

"Hell no, but I'll go to one of your LAN parties you're famous for. Signing out."

"Dang, bye." He hung up and returned to his game, later, he got fed up and messed with its code, the A.i. needed work.

Joanna still had no direction on what actually to do. The only thing that she had gathered from her friend's good-natured advice, was that what Kevin and Alexandra had told her was absolutely true with a low margin of error. She instinctively knew the odds but refused to believe them.
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Wed Jun 24, 2009 7:31 pm

and the last chapters (sniff :( It's been fun)

Chapter 12: (Third Person)

Joanna gathered Kevin and Alexandra to her. "Okay then, I can't do anything except be doubtful. You've got a crown, and a nightgown of silk. This is really making Hell freeze over. DO YOU HEAR ME!!! HELL JUST FROZE OVER!!!" She stood there, looking at them. They waited, Kevin looked at her with a glowering manner, and Alexandra didn't look at her.

"You can stay, Alexandra. Hell, the entire summer if needs be. We ARE, however, going to find your family. That simple. Now then, come on, I need your sizes. You barely fit into my old clothes and I am willing to buy you more, after all, if your parents are rich enough to get you a silk nightgown, they're freakin' rich enough to pay me back."

Kevin didn't move his body, except for his mouth, though, his tone implied impatience. "They're dead! I'm the remainder of her family now."

Joanna looked at him, then, ignored his comment. Measuring Alexandra, she made note of them on a notepad. "*whistle* Wow, most girls would give their soul's to hell for these. Thankfully for you, I'm above being jealous of a fourteen year old. Now, I'm going to call my friend Greg, he'll be watching you two."

She called him, and he was happy to help.

-Chapter 13 (first person)

What was wrong with her!? There was obvious evidences that the events, especially the battle, had happened. What did she think I did to Alexandra? Beat her!? I kept thinking to myself various angers and coolants, pleasant memories to sooth my silent and barely controlled rage.

I, however, knew that I could not argue with my sister. My parents had given her control over the house, within reason. My protests wouldn't do anything. It was that simple, and besides, Alexandra wouldn't be helped by my arguments.

Greg was a good guy, he had to be able to help this situation. Otherwise, there was a slim chance that my sister would be able to recover from this shock. All I had to do was keep her sane for the summer, my parents would accept this reality.

Greg came over soon after. He had a smile on his face, which changed as soon as he saw the face of Joanna, it changed a little.

"You sure you don't want me to drive you or anything..."

"I can drive perfectly well. Don't be surprised if it takes me a while before I leave." Came the sharp retort. Greg backed down a little. "Just make sure they don't do anything funny. kaykay? KAYKAY??!!"

Greg straightened up. "Yes ma'am!" He yelled. Joanna nodded then went into the garage. "Phew... Man, Kevin? What in the name of Asimov have you done to Joanna?"

I turned to him. "You've been told I assume. Well then, I have just told her the truth."

Greg remained silent, fore finger pressed to his forehead, forcing himself into a mode of accelerated thinking. He then opened his eyes, and smiled. "Okay then. I want to hear your story from your own mouths."

I told the story. Then Alexandra told the story. Greg just nodded. I had woken up at seven in the morning, and now it was the ninth hour. Why did I feel tired, but not physically exhausted, like that battle, but spiritually, and I was sure that Alexandra wasn't doing any better.

Greg just took it all in. He then smiled again. "I believe you." I felt good when I heard that. I hoped that this was just the beginning, and that he could persuade my sister to believe me.

Greg then left us alone, probably the best thing he could have done. Alexandra and I just sat there, with Alexandra slowly falling asleep. I think I fell asleep to, because I woke up to Joanna yelling at Greg Walker about "crossing lines."



I think everything turned out right for them, don't you think?
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby BLANDCorporatio » Thu Jun 25, 2009 2:51 pm

Xewleer wrote:come on guys, lets have more than one comment other than mine!


Alas, it is only now that I understand the true meaning of that sentiment ...

Anyway, you wanted some feedback on your writing which, having read the story from start to finish, I am half-qualified to give :)

So-

Concept: it is interesting. We know from clues in the text that Kevin takes commitment seriosuly, so the idea of committing himself to a dream (by definition, an illusion) seems an oxymoron. A quandary.

On the other hand-> for one thing, you grace over too easily on how Kevin knows he's dreaming. Especially, why doesn't he attempt to take control of the dream world? That's what most of us would do, it's payback time for the monsters of our nightmares!

And the crucial sin, so to speak-> you begin exploring the ramifications of someone popping up in our world from dreams, since they are a no-history-no-person (very good) BUT you abruptly stop the story at a rather arbitrary point and the whole disbelief issue is, really, way too easily gone over (rather bad). Why is Greg so supportive? Or maybe you want to continue with a few more chapters?

Plot: by which I will loosely mean the rate and manner in which we the readers find out more about the characters and events they experience.

Everything in your writing says "fairy-tale", which is probably what you were after; so, good. For the most part, we are told how some characters or places are (the good king, the happy kingdom, the evil king etc). Like mentioned, it is the typical fairytale approach to go "there was once a King, and he was a just but kind ruler. His subjects loved their ruler [...]" and so on.

On the other hand, something somehow feels like it should be improved. Let's pick the chapter where you introduce the sister: for some reason, the manner in which we find out new stuff about her seems hap-hazard. Also, maybe there is just too much tell and too little show. Some descriptions (tell) may be made more compact. Anyway, practice.

I hasten to stress that when you gloss over the years of training you are doing well. We don't want a three-year live journal.

Characters: since this is basically a fairytale, we are to expect certain archetypes like Prince Charming (Kevin), the Princess, the King, and the baddies of course. Now, you might want to watch the way in which you present these people- presently you can be accused of using only pet-the-dog or kick(kill)-the-dog characterisation.

However, Kevin in particular is a good character. For instance, his self-description at the beginning sounds at once innocent and honest and believable in that someone would describe themselves thus. Another thing- one time Kevin thinks of his years of training and remembers sparring with a servant. Kevin thinks "sometimes the servant won". This is an example of good characterisation, for it is both compact (3-4 words) and subtle. It tells us that Kevin might not be such a good fighter (the obvious layer) but also that he sparred more for the joy of sparring rather than winning so he is not too competitive (the less obvious layer) and it gives us reason to consider that Kevin is kind (maybe he allowed the servant to win- the hidden layer). 3-4 words, here's what they can mean.

Julian the evil prince is also a good character (you know what I mean), because you managed to set him apart quickly from the others through his language and his behaviour. You might have been a bit too brash about it (see the kick-the-dog accusation, also his language seems too much like a thesaurus) so beware.

On the other end of the spectrum ... the story would suffer only very little if Ted simply disappeared from it. Or if Anaconda disappeared from it. This is bad.

Also, Princess Alexandra has the personality of a Barbie with tearducts. Sorry. This is worse.

So, yeah ... Hope I've been helpful to some extent, and if anything above sounds too harsh, remember that I am not really a writer :)

PS: "for land's sake"?! What in Harold's name was that all about? ;)
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Thu Jun 25, 2009 5:59 pm

WOOHOO!

Anyway, to answer your questions: yes yes yes I wanted to end it quickly No yes no maybe and huh?

Seriously:
I don't control my dreams. All my stories are dreams and when I recall them and they are not trippy I write them down. So, I ran around and figured out what a boy like Kevin would dream about. I know he plays RPGs (hero against all odds etc. etc.) so he's into the princess saving business. Princess in those games are generally Barbies with tear ducts so I flowed with it. Ted and Anaconda are bland characters. Ted does disappear after time skip and Anaconda go to his death on the walls.

Also, note how Kevin, now something of a Zen survivor, he is sure that he will be able to smooth things over. He is also unsure on how to comfort dear ol' Barbie because he himself, having somehow gone through 4 years in a dream, if unconsciously. He'll eventually teach her everything she will need to know. Remember, he did talk about his past during the 4 year period and about the real world. She'll know about cars.

But here's a question. I ended it at a point I knew I could keep the quality up. I hit the ending and I said: "Huh, how are the parents going to react. Guess they'll have to... OWH! That's boring! (and it would be!)" Yeah, but use your imagination. How do you think it'll turn out?

I LIKED the sister ( :( )

Lastly: Julian: He's better than everybody. He's gonna be the Over-king some day so he can go to anyone and say 'Kiss my foot' and it went to his head. He speaks with bigger than necessary words because he wants to ingrain it into your head that he's so good you can't even understand him! But yes, I did use a thesaurus, I have that resource to keep myself from repeating too much.

Thank you! I hope you have a nice day!
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Gerwulf » Sun Jun 28, 2009 1:15 am

Xewleer wrote:I don't control my dreams. All my stories are dreams and when I recall them and they are not trippy I write them down. So, I ran around and figured out what a boy like Kevin would dream about. I know he plays RPGs (hero against all odds etc. etc.) so he's into the princess saving business. Princess in those games are generally Barbie’s with tear ducts so I flowed with it. Ted and Anaconda are bland characters. Ted does disappear after time skip and Anaconda go to his death on the walls.

The idea of controlling dreams is one which many people have on one level or another, perhaps when they are having a nightmare they think to themselves "Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" Not necessarily controlling the dream, but trying to remove themselves from it. Not everyone however wants to control their dreams. At one point in the story Kevin states, "I was falling in love with a dream! I kept telling myself that, but in the end, I forgot. I wanted to forget...” in a sense he is trying to control the dream by extending it. when the thought or idea that "this is all a dream" enters his head he says, "Yeah, but it’s so much better than real life I think I'll let it continue for now." This concept ties in with the end of the dream; right when He, the love of his life and her entire extended family are about to die he wakes up. Basically he stops extending the dream and re-enters reality because the dream is no longer better than reality.

As for the Barbie with tear ducts; True, most princesses are Barbie’s with tear ducts, but that doesn't mean they have to be boring characters. If she has a more defined personality she can be a very intriguing character even though she is all sunshine and puppies. Don't just tell us that she sniffs the flower and watches the butterfly and hops up and down on both feet in anticipation of watching the sun rise, tell us why. Is she sniffing all the flowers because her mother or grandmother told her to always make time to stop and smell the roses and she was just too dumb to realize that they were speaking in metaphor? Does she watch butterflies because her brother told her once that all butterflies have giant pots of gold and if you can follow them for an entire day you can watch where they sleep at night and they'll share the gold with you. Does she hop up and down while waiting for the sun to rise because she thinks that it makes the world sink and will bring the sun here faster. Naivety can be funny, stupidity can be thought provoking, and boring can become interesting if the reason Why is clever enough.

Ted and Anaconda don’t need to disappear; they simply need to lose their names. The reason those two characters stand out like a sore thumb as being bad characters is because they don’t add much to the story, yet they have names so we expect them too. When an author names a character the assumption is that the character is supposed to be important enough to remember, so when later in the story they say "Bob ran into the house screaming 'FIRE!'" We know that this is the same Bob who ran into the warehouse and the grocery store and the theater screaming fire, we remember him and he advances the story. By naming a character who doesn't advance the plot in any way you draw attention to that character and the reader is asking "Why is this character important enough to deserve a name” and when there isn't an answer they feel cheated and end up disliking the character. Simply calling Ted "the body guard" will alleviate the problem. By not naming him you remove the expectation that he will do anything important and nobody will notice him apart from adding flavor to the princess (Who, as discussed above, could do with a little flavor). Anaconda plays a slightly bigger roll and may not be able to simply disappear into the background. If you don’t want to refer to him as "the brother" then he needs to play a larger roll, perhaps he should man the walls while the king takes Kevin and the Princess to the cellar to complete the marriage ceremony, or perhaps he should turn on everyone, "Ha ha, I've been working with Julian from the beginning." And Kevin has to fight to protect his princess thus completing the Hero/Damsel in distress cycle and fulfilling his Sci-Fi fantasy; thusly allowing the dream to end.


Xewleer wrote:But here’s a question. I ended it at a point I knew I could keep the quality up. I hit the ending and I said: "Huh, how are the parents going to react. Guess they'll have to... OWH! That's boring! (And it would be!)" Yeah, but use your imagination. How do you think it'll turn out?


Doesn't have to be boring, perhaps one of the parents is from a dream world, or maybe both of them are, thus explaining Kevin’s apparent link to the other side. Maybe Kevin’s dad works for the government and they have been experimenting on Kevin to see if they can induce realistic dream-like states allowing them to simulate battle and train soldiers without taking the time and risk to do it for real (with the unintentional side effect of it bringing home some extra baggage). Again, as with the Princess, it doesn't have to be boring as long as you answer the question: WHY?

Xewleer wrote:I LIKED the sister :(

So did I. Her personality simply gets tossed upon the reader like an afterthought. Spread it out over a few chapters, you could introduce the sister before Kevin goes to sleep, or bring her up in the dream world, e.g. "Kevin looked at Anaconda, 'Wow, you remind me of my sister'" something that would introduce her before we have to see her reacting to the crisis. Perhaps she could even undergo a transformation when confronted with a crisis. Maybe she is laidback and carefree, letting Kevin do whatever he wants, and then when she sees him with a girl her attitude flips and she becomes possessing and protective. This would add depth to her character showing us that although being carefree most of the time she has "Morals" and it would help to stress her opinion that "There are lines that shouldn't be crossed" without having to say it.

Xewleer wrote:Lastly: Julian: He's better than everybody. He's gonna be the Over-king some day so he can go to anyone and say 'Kiss my foot' and it went to his head. He speaks with bigger than necessary words because he wants to ingrain it into your head that he's so good you can't even understand him! But yes, I did use a thesaurus, I have that resource to keep myself from repeating too much.

That is actually a great character trait but you need to be cautious when using the Thesaurus. My favorite example of the Thesaurus getting you into trouble is the following:
Love is basically the same thing as Adoration
Adoration can also be expressed as Exaltation
Exaltation is essentially Excitement
Excitement is another way of saying Agitation
Agitation is a form of Distress
And Distress can be expressed as the following words:
Suffering, Pain, Sorrow, Anguish, Agony, Grief, Misery, and Misfortune

7 steps to go from Love to all of that. Even scarier is the following

Love is Passion
Passion is Fervor
Fervor is Vehemence
Vehemence is Violence
And from there you can go on to Murder, Slaughter, Sadism, Carnage, Brutality and a whole list of other fun words.

In conclusion, I enjoyed the story. The characters are well developed, though a few could stand to be embellished upon. The plot flowed smoothly, though you should work towards choosing a tense and sticking with it. The conclusion of the story left something to be desired but for a short story that is not a bad thing. You could leave it mostly as it is and work on leaving the reader with an introspective look at dreams and our part in them, possibly a closing monologue from Kevin, or you could expand on it and let the story take on a life of its own. Just remember it’s only boring if you don’t take the time to answer the ever-present all-encompassing question: WHY?
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby CaesarVH » Tue Nov 10, 2009 11:48 am

Dude... you've got a serious talent! Have you got any more stories posted somewhere? I don't have any right to judge your story technically and therefore I will not, but as a reader I did enjoy reading the tale a lot! (took me one otherwise very boring statistics class to read it!)

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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Xewleer » Tue Nov 10, 2009 5:07 pm

What the crap you talking about? No right to judge my story? Why the Heck do you think that? I WANT people to judge my story! I wouldn't write as much as I do if I couldn't get the judgments/opinions of others! A writer who does not want judgment is a writer who will not improve himself!

I mean this nicely, of course, thank you for what you have said! I hate math too, and am skipping class this very moment, in fact. HA HA HA!

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edit: Hoo boy, I'm such a hypocrite! I never noticed that someone had posted an answer to my answer! Ha ha ha! He's right, of course. Unfortunately, I moved on to other projects.
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby CaesarVH » Wed Nov 11, 2009 7:19 am

mkay fair enough, but the technical part of storywriting.. especially in english which is like my third language or something, is rather hard to judge. Last time I wrote a story in english was for a school assignment before my voice dropped and my 'stache started being visible! Anyways, liked the story dude!!

The one thing I did manage to find was the sudden change of speed, from the moment the evil dude becomes Over- King everything is told very fast, and then suddenly the speed changes again from the moment Kevin wakes up. Here you've left it to be an open ending, where I was just dying to keep on reading!

thanks for posting!
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Re: oath of a dream: It's story time!

Postby Trilby » Wed Nov 11, 2009 11:42 pm

I loved the story. I share the same opinion with the guy above, who broke his review into section and everything, but I just wanted to tell you that the concept of the story itself is awesome, and that alone is the first great step to becoming a writer. :D
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